Not quite a Circular Argument: Homosexuality, Pedophilia, and the Logic of the Vatican

BBC Accuses Vatican of Calling Balls Round

The Square Balls

Not Quite a Circular Argument

The BBC, reporting on Wednesday, 14 April 2010 — and against all convincing evidence that it was reporting from the planet Earth — declared in shock, dismay, and astonishment that:

“The Vatican's handling of child abuse allegations has been called into question, following a senior cardinal's suggestion of a link between homosexuality and paedophilia.” (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/8621197.stm)

Sometimes, well, ... it literally takes balls to tell the truth

This outrageous suggestion followed an equally astonishing allegation, made by the same Cardinal, and on that very same day, no less, than there is strong evidence suggesting that balls do not in fact have four equal sides at four equal angles — as many have now chosen to believe. In fact, he further ventured, such a description appears to precisely coincide with the geometric definition of the quadrilateral polygon at one time called a square. It had traditionally been believed that balls and circles are different from squares and rhombuses inasmuch as they define an enclosed shape equidistant in all radii from a common center.

In addition to the ludicrous allegations that priests who sexually abuse boys rather than girls are homosexuals, several Vatican officials further alienated themselves from the world of fiction by suggesting that the apparent widespread occurrence of four-sided polygons in America and Europe have, indeed, a very close relationship with rectangles. These suggestions infuriated the homosexual communities in America, Europe and elsewhere which responded by flatly denying as “absurd" any putative connection between homosexuals and older males who have sexual relations with younger males, calling Wikipedia's Definition of Homosexuality: as “a romantic or sexual attraction or behavior among members of the same sex” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexuality), a slap in the face to the Gay Community.

“We are outraged that the Catholic Church should implicate homosexuals with this rampant state of affairs in which some priests of the male persuasion seek to have sex with underage people also of the male persuasion. There is no connection whatever, as any enlightened individual of any persuasion or species would immediately tell you”, said Mr. Sheila Youngblood of AMBLA (American Man/Boy Love Association ), sipping a glass of pink lemonade, and dribbling a box after a vigorous round of basketball, exasperated that he had been unable to get the rubber box through the round hoop despite repeated efforts. “I'm better at golf”, he wryly admitted, in an aside, “especially with a handicap of boxes smaller than the large holes.”

Talk about Balls

Asked about the equally outrageous statement that Vatican officials made in suggesting that the link between homosexuality and pedophilia is somehow akin to the relationship between roundness and balls, Sheila replied, “It's Galileo all over again. The Church meddling in things it knows nothing about! Men who have sex with young males, rather than females, are not homosexuals! They are just men who have sex with young males rather than females! What don't they understand?” he asked incredulously.

Vatican officials have recently come under heavy criticism after publicly responding to the accusations they made that there is a close connection between things that appear to be balls and things that are circles. Gay Community Organizers dismissed this as, “Still clinging to antiquated concepts.” “Look, I mean, these are the people who still talk about sin and the devil ... I mean, really!”, Queernation Spokespecies, Miss Ogynyc , retorted dismissively.

Further Woes

The BBC also noted that, “On Good Friday, Fr Raniero Cantalamessa, preaching in St Peter's Basilica, sparked tensions with Jews by quoting a letter from a Jewish friend that suggested a comparison between the attacks against Pope Benedict with anti-Semitic attacks on Jews.”

In response, Mr. Wanda Wutzmygenda, Jewish author of “The Gay Guide to Geometry and Other Absurdities" angrily stated that, “This is no more virulently anti-Catholic than the Nazis were virulently anti-Semitic. You might as well say that the shortest distance between two points is a line!”

If it looks like a ball ...

When asked for his reasoning behind the allegation that priest-pedophiles are homosexuals— that is to say, men who wish to have sex with other men, seek to have sex with other men, and in fact have sex with other men ... or boys ... the Cardinal's response was decidedly speculative:

“If it looks like a ball, if it bounces like a ball, and if it rolls like a ball ... it is probably a ball.” he replied. "And if a man desires to have sex with other men and boys, makes arrangements to have sex with other men and boys, and has sex with other men and boys ... he is probably a homosexual.”

The Vatican in the meanwhile is preparing a handbook that deals with the allegations that priest offenders in the abuse scandals which involve sex between older males and underage males is an issue about homosexuality and depravity, as well as similar allegations that balls are in some way related to circles.

We will continue to report on this queer story as it emerges.

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